i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
