Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
