i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sext me about skeletons
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
