i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
