I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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