I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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