If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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