Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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