ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
