I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
