This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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