It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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