I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
