I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
