I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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