More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
