I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
