Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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