i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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