No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
