she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
