Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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