I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I need moral support for this bender
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
