i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
