If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
