One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
