If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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