dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
