Porn is love you can see.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
