there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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