i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
