There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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