I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
