Pappa wants mamma naked
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
