Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
