dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
