He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
