My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
