Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
