I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
