I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
