My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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