he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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