dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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