Already got asked if we're dating
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
