Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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