im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
