Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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