I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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