Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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