My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
