But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
